I’m tidying things up on the work front (which mostly means that I’m working hard and a lot) so that I can essentially disappear for four days, during which I will be at a writers’ retreat doing, not surprisingly, some writing. When I was first offered the chance to go to this, I got that giddy pounding in my heart that leaves me a little breathless and a little like a kid before a birthday party and I pretty much ran around the house going, “omgomgomg.” Because it’s fiction, which is the thing (not the person, natch, but the thing) that I love most in all the world. And I was able to say yes, thanks to a partner who knows that fiction is the thing I love most in the world and who said, “Whatever we need to do to make this happen, we’ll do.” And then I pre-birthday-party glee-bounced around the house some more and now I’m getting ready to leave for it in just another day and…
…I am panicked. I am panicked that I will have forgotten how to write. That I will sit there and sit there and nothing will come. That this novel I’m in love with with die a slow and painful death at my fingertips and it will turn into ash while I sit there. That everyone around me will notice that I am, in fact, a total fake, a fraud, a shamwriter of the worst kind.
I know this won’t happen. In that tiny, necessary part of my brain where my ego lives (it IS tiny and it IS necessary; I believe it’s hard to be a writer without a whopping dose of self-confidence topped off with a cupful of true humility and insecurity), I know that I will write something, that if I sit down and do the work, the story will come.
But that doesn’t dispel the utter panic that has followed me around all day.
Today’s Project(s): More on both Weird Discoveries and Tales from the Ninth World
Today in Writing: Continuing with the editing and the reworking of things.
Today in Walking: 3.5 miles
Today I Loved: A ring, a dog, a man, a moon.
Fiction words written today: —
Fiction words written this year: —
Total words written this year: 500
Total distance this year: 12.7 miles