I’ve been dealing with some pretty serious insomnia for the past few weeks. It’s the kind that comes three-fold, like a herd attacking from all sides. The first is that I don’t get tired as early as I’d like and so I stay up later than I usually do. Then, I wake up 4 or 5 times a night. And then morning comes, too early, to wake me again.
I’ve been here before. You probably have to. As soon as you wake, your mind goes to the millions of things left undone, the deadlines missed, the to-do list of house and work. It’s compounded by the fact that I don’t nap well–if I fall asleep for more than 10 minutes but less than an hour, I wake up groggy and grumpy and mad at the world.
I didn’t have insomnia until my 30s. In fact, I didn’t even believe it existed until it happened to me. Isn’t that human nature. Not mine, not mine, not real. Mine = Real. Damn.
Over the years, I have learned to go with it instead of fighting it. I stay up late and work. I lie in bed and think of solutions. I get out of bed as soon as I wake up and I go off and start writing. I tell myself that I’m just getting two sleeps the way that people used to. I stop trying to “fix” it and embrace it as a part of my pattern.
Why? Because experience has taught me that it will right itself. My body will move from this mode into a mode where I’m getting more sleep. Or my brain will. And maybe this period of sleepnessness is important for my creativity (at the very least, it certainly doesn’t hurt it — getting up earlier and writing seems to increase my productivity). Or maybe it’s just some weird quirk, a hint of my biological mother’s manic-depressive states bleeding through.
Don’t get me wrong–not sleeping sucks. A lot. But it used to suck worse when I stressed about it. And eventually the sand man will come back and hit me between the eyes. I’m looking forward to it. And until then: There are words and words.
Kiss kiss bang bang, s.
**Today’s title courtesy of the beautiful poem, “Insomnia” by Dana Gioia. Go have a read.
2,200 gaming, 1,000 non-fiction
Miles Walked This Year:
Words Written This Year:
My 42 Writing Projects This Year:
6. The Bone Key (novel)
5. Love and Sex in the Ninth World (gaming)
4. The Ninth World Guidebook (gaming)
3. Numenera CO (gaming)
2. Izaltu’s Needle (gaming) 3,500/8,000
1. Kinky Rewrite (non-fiction book) 50,000/60,000